An Open Letter To My Yoga Mat

Hey there Foam-Face!

I’m only kidding! I enjoy joking around; it passes the time between my OCD and crying.

Anyhoo, I know what you’re going to say, “It’s been FOREVER since we’ve been in contact.” I want you to know that I sincerely apologize for the fact that I haven’t unrolled you yet, but I’ve been really busy not doing yoga. It’s nothing against you; it’s just the type of person I am. I get really excited about something so I go out and buy all the supplies to start said something and then I get bored and flake.

I feel really badly, but you’re not the only one I’ve flaked on recently. I also flaked on your friend, Lululemon. I invested in a pair of the spendy yoga pants that all the downward dogging chicks rave about, but so far, I’ve only worn them to bed. Once my Lululemons are on, I immediately collapse into a deep sleep. I can’t help it. I mean, what are these things made of – Ambien and Melatonin? I realize that both you and Lulu desperately yearn to be OM’d in, but lately, the last thing I want to do is focus on my breathing while Cirque du Soleil-ing around a guy named Bikram’s unairconditioned studio. I’m like, get a window unit, dude. They’re not that expensive. It’s very rude to make your guests sweat on purpose. But I digress…

I wanted to write this letter as an apology to you. I like you. I really do. You are the best last-minute Target purchase I’ve made in a LONG time. I was proud to bring you home with me, which I’m sure you don’t believe since I now hide you in the back of my closet. However, believe me when I say, it’s not you, it’s me. I have to hide you or my husband will try to have one of those, “Maybe we need to discuss your impulse purchases” conversations with me. The less he knows about our relationship or lack there of, the better. He just wouldn’t understand.

I want you to know that I totally intend to wipe the dust off of you and bring you out into the light of day. Yesterday I was eating In-N-Out Burger while watching people do yoga so I’m very close to getting my Chakra-on.

Until then I hope you realize that even though we’ve been on a break, we are not breaking up. You will not be the elliptical machine I only used to hang my clothes on, or the giant exercise ball I only used to hug when I felt lonely or the Shake Weight that (for obvious reasons) made me too uncomfortable to use or the Jillian Michaels DVD box set I bought on Amazon after I went on a month-long Thanksgiving binge.

You will be the exception. Soon I will commit to you. It’s just that right now, I’m (relatively) young and looking to have a good time. I only ask that you please be patient with me.

Well the two large pizzas I ordered for myself just arrived so I have to go.



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